


The One Where Alec Goes on a (Suicide) Mission

by lostinfictives



Series: Morphic Daydreams [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt Magnus Bane, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Malec AU, Shadowhunters - Freeform, Shadowhunters 2x04, Shadowhunters s02e04, alec lightwood's mental health matters, magnus bane's mental health matters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:47:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23630296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinfictives/pseuds/lostinfictives
Summary: Prompt: Set after episode 2x04. Alec's mental health.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood/Isabelle Lightwood, Alec Lightwood/Isabelle Lightwood/Jace Wayland, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood, Clary Fray/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane & Isabelle Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Isabelle Lightwood
Series: Morphic Daydreams [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700890
Comments: 2
Kudos: 65





	The One Where Alec Goes on a (Suicide) Mission

A brother, a friend, a son, a soldier, a leader.

Alexander Lightwood could be a lot of things, but he was never a murderer. That was why when the news of Jocelyn's death broke, the entire Institute was turned into shambles.

Alec was found by Clary Fairchild, sitting on the base of one of the Institute's hallways, staring at the blood in his hands. He looked so lost…but not in his own thoughts.

"Alec," Clary called.

He slowly lifted his gaze to the voice that just said his name and immediately, his trance was broken. Upon realizing the actuality of the situation, Alec's eyes suddenly filled with terror.

"What did I do?" he asked, voice shaking.

The next thing he knew, Clary was lying on the floor, sobbing next to her mother's lifeless body.

_I did this. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her._

-

Alec strapped up his boots and put on his leather jacket. He saw his stele that was sitting on the bedside table but decided to look away almost instantly. He, instead, grabbed his bow and quiver and headed straight to the door. He needed to go on this mission. He didn't tell Isabelle and Jace. He didn't tell anyone. He needed to do this alone.

_That wasn't you. You didn't kill her, and everybody knows that. No one is blaming you. You are not a murderer, Alec._

Izzy's words kept repeating inside Alec's head as he made his way out of the Institute, but somehow all he could comprehend out of what his sister had said was the word _murderer_.

_Murderer, murderer, murderer._

He could still see it—hear it—so vividly; the whispers that echoed in every corner of the Institute right after they found out about the unfortunate news, how Jocelyn's blood stained the wooden floors, how Clary couldn't look at him even for just a split second. The demon might have done the killing, but the hands that had made that possible were his. At the end of the day, he was the one who felt guilty.

Apparently, there was a demon on the loose, but it's not just any ordinary demon. An Iblis demon appeared in black smoke, taking the same shape and size of a human figure, with eyes burning in bright yellow. And this kind of demon never worked alone; it gathered its kind and attacked in groups. Alec knew that very well, and that was also the exact reason why he decided to go alone. He might not admit it out loud, but in the back of his mind, he knew he was bound to go on a suicide mission.

-

"Ah, Isabelle. Is everything okay?" Magnus Bane opened his door only to reveal a distressed Isabelle Lightwood.

"Is Alec here?" Izzy asked, not waiting for Magnus to invite her in. She scanned the apartment and was completely rattled upon finding no signs of her brother.

"No. He still hasn't called, and I certainly haven't seen him yet today," Magnus paused. A sudden fear crawled under his skin upon seeing the look on Izzy's face. "Izzy, what happened?"

Isabelle sat down, drawing out heavy breaths and constantly fidgeting her fingers. "Alec is nowhere to be found at the Institute. Jace and I tried tracking his location, but I think he activated his deflect rune before leaving to block us. He left his stele, Magnus. And he still isn't in a very good place after what happened to Jocelyn. What if he does something to himself? Magnus, I'm scared."

Sitting beside Izzy, Magnus wrapped an arm around her. "Isabelle, let's not jump into conclusions. I'll go with you. We're going to find Alexander."

Izzy stood up. Agitation was still visible in her eyes. "Thank you," she said, already making her way out. Magnus followed closely behind. "But you don't understand. Alec...he tried to do it once before. We were still so young, and I was the only one who knew. When it happened, I promised myself I wouldn't leave his side ever again. And now I have no idea where he is."

Magnus was rubbing Isabelle's back in an attempt to comfort her. The Warlock might seem calm, but Alexander Lightwood, though Magnus only knew him for not too long, was slowly becoming one of the most important people in his long life. Magnus didn't lie when he told Alec that the Shadowhunter had unlocked something in him. Magnus admired Alec not just because of the boy's obvious beautiful façade; he admired him for his strong moral compass, braveness, and selflessness. He cared deeply for Alec. And maybe the great poison, Magnus Bane, had already fallen for the Lightwood boy. But Magnus figured it was too early to admit that.

The thought of Alec being in danger, or possibly causing harm to himself frightened the Warlock to the core. He couldn't bear it. The second Alec introduced himself to him, Magnus knew he would have a great hold on him—physically and emotionally.

"We'll find him. I won't let anything bad happen to your brother, Isabelle." With that, Magnus flicked his hand in a flourish, opening up a portal to the Institute.

-

Magnus remained within a short trance before deciding what to do next. Isabelle and Jace finally located Alec, and they were right. Alec was in danger. He was battling a very dangerous group of demons alone. Anything could go wrong. Izzy and Jace already left to help Alec, and Magnus decided that he would fetch a healing potion in case Izzy's hunch was right, and Alec got injured badly.

Please, Alexander, return safely to me, Magnus mused before portaling himself back to his apartment.

-

And there he was. Alexander. _His Alexander_ , lying on Magnus's apartment floor, unconscious.

"Alec!" Magnus gasped, horror immediately filling his eyes. He rushed to Alec's side and held him carefully. Magnus recognized the cut that tore through Alec's shirt and deeply through his chest. A demon wound.

Magnus let the magic flow through his hand that was not holding Alec, hoping the magical blue light would heal him. But it wasn't working. The wound was too big, too deep, and too lethal. Magnus was shaking, fear slowly overtaking his entire system. Alec couldn't die. No. Magnus wouldn't let that happen.

Magnus sent Isabelle a fire message before getting the healing potion and making Alec drink it, but the Warlock's remaining bits of composure completely vanished upon realizing that Alec had stopped breathing.

"No. No, Alexander. Open your eyes, okay? Or just...please, just breathe. Alec, please? Come back. Come back to me, Alexander. Please," Magnus begged through his silent sobs, still attempting to heal Alec with his magic.

But Warlocks could only heal the wounded. They could never heal the dead.

-

If Shadowhunters had runes and blades, Warlocks had charms, spells, and witchcraft. But what made Magnus Bane different among his kind was the way he used magic merged with perception. Magnus was wise, smart, and always cautious.

Magnus Bane had been through a lot, lived through ages of war, survived hundreds of years knowing demons and supernatural beings were real. The man had accumulated enough experiences through the course of his long life to somehow make himself fearless. One could throw Magnus Bane in the middle of a battlefield, and he would remain poised and come out of it without a single hair missing from his body. He's one of the most powerful Warlocks to ever walk the Earth.

And yet, no matter how powerful, Magnus could still feel emotions. In fact, he felt emotions so strongly but mastered ways on how to conceal them for that vulnerability had been held against him many times in the past. He spent years building walls around himself. He spent years being certain of what might hurt him and what might not. Every action was calculated. Every move was an act of defense. Magnus lived knowing that no one could ever break through the permanent wards he put up for himself. He knew no one could ever breakthrough. But that was until he met Alec Lightwood.

Magnus Bane is untouchable, they said. Magnus Bane fears nothing, they said. No one can ever hurt Magnus Bane, they said. Well, they were right. At least at some point they were. But it's different now.

When Alec shot one of his arrows to save Magnus and when he came to his apartment to help Luke, Alec had touched Magnus in a very different way. It was rare for him to meet a Shadowhunter that was so open-hearted and giving to the Downworlders.

When Isabelle came to Magnus's looking for Alec, when Magnus realized the possibilities of Alec's situation at the moment, when he saw Alec unconscious on his own apartment floor, when he felt Alec's heart stopped beating; Magnus was petrified. The feeling of fear was very new to him that it took him a moment to gain recognition, but nevertheless, Magnus felt it—too much that he was shaking even when Alec was being taken care of at the Institute, even after he regained consciousness—even then, he was petrified.

Magnus knew exactly why Alec did what he did, and that hurt him. The fact that Alec decided by himself that the world would be better off without him, the fact that he was so harsh to himself, the fact that he didn't value his worth even just for a little bit—it hurt Magnus.

Didn't Alec think of the people who loved him that he would leave behind? Didn't he think of his family? Of Jace? Of Isabelle? Of Magnus?

It hurt Magnus that maybe the reason why Alec basically offered his life to those demons was that nobody would even care enough—nobody would miss him because nobody loved him enough.

Alec Lightwood was raised to be a soldier. Every move was criticized. Every small mistake was a violation. Every failed mission was a disgrace. These all originated within Alec's family, and Alec, being a man of honor and loyalty, had always made sure to follow every rule laid before him—even when following them meant sacrificing his own happiness.

-

Magnus heard a knock on his door, and he was debating if he should open it or not. He could recognize that knock anywhere. He guessed that being a Shadowhunter, even Alec's knocks had a distinct and orderly rhythm.

With a single wave of magic, the door opened, and Alec stood there, forehead creased and hands behind his back. Magnus took a moment to stare at the man he had not seen for almost three days. He missed him. He really did.

"I've been trying to call," Alec said, slowly making his way inside the apartment. Magnus smiled. He missed that voice so much. "I'm sorry, Alexander. I was quite busy with some clients," he replied, still not moving in his spot.

Alec walked closer. His movements were cautious, and even he, himself, didn't know why that was. "Are you sure everything's okay?"

Magnus drew a deep breath. "What do you want me to answer that question, Alexander?"

"The truth?"

"Okay."

"Okay..."

Magnus turned his back from Alec, tightening his hold on his drink. "No. Everything's not okay."

"Magnus, is this about what happened days ago?" Alec reached for Magnus's arm and slowly turned him so that they're finally facing each other. "Hey, Izzy told me you've been there the entire time. I'm okay now, Magnus. You don't–"

"No, you're not, Alec," Magnus said, voice rising. "You went on a suicide mission by yourself. You knew what could happen, but you went anyway. You may be standing here in front of me, completely healed...and alive, but you're not okay, Alexander. What you did...it's not–" Magnus stopped himself from saying another word.

Alec stood frozen, unable to utter a single word. He didn't know Magnus felt that way. He didn't think he would. "Magnus, I– I'm sorry I scared you–"

"Scared? I wasn't just scared, Alexander. I was terrified!" Magnus blurted out, eyes starting to water. "You were in my arms, bleeding and unconscious. I felt your heart stopped. You were gone, Alexander. You stopped breathing."

"I– I'm sorry," Alec whispered.

Magnus took some deep breaths and calmed himself down. When he looked at Alec, his head was down, but Magnus didn't miss the tears that landed on the floor from Alec's eyes. Magnus broke down.

"Oh, Alexander," he called, crossing the distance between them. Alec hugged Magnus in return, and though silent, Magnus knew Alec was still crying. Magnus's shoulder was getting wet with tears as Alec buried his face deeper against it.

Their hug tightened. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to do it. But I just felt so terrible, Magnus. I felt like I became a stranger to my own self. I didn't want to do it. That's why, the last minute, I fought. I tried so hard. I didn't want to do it. That's why when I defeated those demons, I went straight here. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. And Izzy. And Jace. And my parents," Alec said in between hiccups. He was crying so quietly but so hard, and it was tearing Magnus apart. "I'm sorry," Alec continued. "I'll be better. I promise. For you, I'll be better. I'm sorry."

Magnus broke the hug but remained close to Alec. The Shadowhunter was still looking down, so Magnus cupped his face to make Alec look at him.

"Alexander, don't. I want you to know...your emotions are always valid. Hey," Magnus called for Alec to open his eyes. He just couldn't look at him. "Hey," Magnus tried again, and this time, Alec closed his eyes tightly, wrinkling his nose, before opening finally them. Few tears were left stranded on Alec's face, and Magnus wiped them off. "I understand, Alexander. I've been there myself. Life gets hard and sometimes, we get thrown into situations that would completely destroy us. You've been strongly guarded all your life, Alec. It's alright to feel vulnerable sometimes. Trust me." Alec closed his eyes once more, nodding to Magnus's words.

Magnus continued, "And you're right. You will get better. I know that because I've witnessed how strong and brave you can be. But Alexander, do not do it for me. Or for your family. Do it for yourself. You should've seen how worried Izzy and Jace were. People care for you. Your family loves you. But in the long run that will not be enough if you, yourself, don't acknowledge the fact that you deserve that kind of love. Do you understand?"

Alec nodded, giving Magnus a faint smile. Magnus gently tapped Alec's cheek, taking a step closer. "Don't let the things you can't control consume you, okay? Know your worth, Alexander, because you...are very much worthy." Magnus smiled, kissing Alec on the cheek. He let the kiss linger for a few seconds before cupping Alec's face once more.

Magnus whispered, "I've only known you for a few weeks, but you, Alexander, are already the best man I've ever known."

Few tears rolled out of Alec's eyes as he closed them, taking in Magnus's sweet words. He smiled, and Magnus hugged him one last time before the day ended.

-

That night, Alec returned to the apartment. Magnus sensed him coming and already unlocked the door. Alec entered and walked in straight to Magnus, giving him a hug that pronounced every unspoken word at the moment. "Thank you," Alec whispered. Magnus hummed, sinking into the hug. "You're always welcome, Alexander."

**Author's Note:**

> Your emotions are valid. Have a good day, luv!


End file.
